PeeBugg Press: June 2005

6/30/2005

Let's Discuss Religion -- Part 1 The Overview

Dare I do this? Why yes I shall!!!!

Religion, little word big meanings.

I was reading the block of walk-my-way, and she had some religious comments and this got me to thinking and thinking and as you might of realized the more I think the more I write. So I am going to take a look at different religions and give my understanding of them. If I am wrong please inform me or if you know more or have a better understanding--PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

I have always had a fascination for religions, but since my son joined the Mormon Church in January, 2005 I have begun researching more. I am doing this mainly to see if I am on the right path--and to be honest I don't think so....so here we go......

I would like to say that there are no bad religions just bad churches. (This says a lot)

First stop on our journey is my religion---Southern Baptist-- Please fasten your seat belts and keep you wallets hidden cause the collection plate will be coming around!!!!!! (lol) man...I just dodge a lightening bolt....lol

I got this from the Southern Baptist Convention web site

"A New Testament church of the Lord Jesus Christ is an autonomous local congregation of baptized believers, associated by covenant in the faith and fellowship of the gospel; observing the two ordinances of Christ, governed by His laws, exercising the gifts, rights, and privileges invested in them by His Word, and seeking to extend the gospel to the ends of the earth. Each congregation operates under the Lordship of Christ through democratic processes. In such a congregation each member is responsible and accountable to Christ as Lord. Its scriptural officers are pastors and deacons. While both men and women are gifted for service in the church, the office of pastor is limited to men as qualified by Scripture.
The New Testament speaks also of the church as the Body of Christ which includes all of the redeemed of all the ages, believers from every tribe, and tongue, and people, and nation. "

First note Two Ordinances of Christ--Baptism and The Lord's Supper.

Second Note- "A New Testament Church"--So this means they prefer the new testament. Why? What's wrong with the old Testament??

another piece from the Southern Baptist Convention website

n the spirit of Christ, Christians should oppose racism, every form of greed, selfishness, and vice, and all forms of sexual immorality, including adultery, homosexuality, and pornography. We should work to provide for the orphaned, the needy, the abused, the aged, the helpless, and the sick. We should speak on behalf of the unborn and contend for the sanctity of all human life from conception to natural death. Every Christian should seek to bring industry, government, and society as a whole under the sway of the principles of righteousness, truth, and brotherly love. In order to promote these ends Christians should be ready to work with all men of good will in any good cause, always being careful to act in the spirit of love without compromising their loyalty to Christ and His truth.

From conception to natural death--what about those on machines to keep them alive, is that considered unnatural life??? and if you turn off the machine is that an unnatural or natural death?? And what about those who died unnaturally??? Do we not speak out for those who were murdered?? I know that we should not judge people and that only God has that right, but how do you decide on how to govern a people??

I bolded the abused. When I was going thro my separation, my ex husband stalked me horribly and even pulled a gun on me. I went to my church for guidance--they pretty much ignored me. So after I learned all I needed to know to get thru the system and get some results, I offered to help those that needed it in abusive situations. Once again they ignored me.

Industry and Government under brotherly love. Now wouldn't that be cool. But it doesn't follow the Declaration of Independance or the Bill of Rights now does it.

I also have issues with all the foreign missions. My church does very little for the people in it's own community. Yet they will raise thousands of dollars to send people over seas to help over there. I mean there are homeless people right here in our county not to mention our country. Why can't we start with them????

At my church we don't partake in the Lords Supper every Sunday as they do in many churches. Lately they have added a drum set to the music which makes it very loud. I am not really for this. We don't sing the traditional hymns in our hymn books, now they flash words on a screen and the music minister sings part of the song first so we know how it goes. Very awkward. Our sermons have not been bible based, but based on things going on in the world and our minister's opinion of them. Sometimes he even throws in a bible verse reference every now and then. This is sad. In Sunday School, my class just finished up a section on other religions. Basically it was a bashing session that I did not partake in. I actually walked out of the second one because they were just being hateful and very UnChristian. So basically--I would say that my church is a a mis-guided church.

I like the Southern Baptist religion. I think that all Christian religions should teach and help you understand the Bible. You should study scriptures and talk about them and how to apply them in your life today. This is what I miss about church, the learning.

6/29/2005

The Older Generation's Deterioration

My parents bought a new car last week-end a KIA something. Nice car though.
Anyway, they called me Sundayto set the station buttons on the stero. This is cool, so I packed up the boys and Sydney and headed over there. As I got the buttons set my dad said that the horn doesn't honk to confirm the lock from the remote. So I took the remote and messed with it and discovered that they had pressed the trunk button who knows when and they had been driving around for almost 2 days with their trunk open. I laughed quietly to myself, shut the trunk and got the horn to acknowledge. Pops was happy. Last night they came over very unexpectedly and I asked what they needed, my mother just smiled and said "Do we have to have a reason to come over?" I said..."Well dad has his car manual in his hand, he wants something" She just smiled and walked in. I then set their memory seats and programmed the remotes to respond to the correct setting.
Anyway, I made an observation over the weekend. Just as quickly as children change as they group up, our parents deteriorate. We need to cherish them and take our turn in the care giving and help without negativity. My parents have given me so much and have always been there for me. I am now making the commitment to be there for them.

6/22/2005

I just don't get it....

I was surfing blogs last night and I ran across one of a 12 year old stating that she was Bi-sexual.

Okay....she is only 12 how does she know what she is??? I mean 12 year olds mainly hang out with peers of the same sex as they are right??? I mean I had a boyfriend when I was 12 but that only meant that we sat by each other at lunch. What do a bi-sexual relationships at 12 years old include??

I realize that teens are having sex at a very young age, but she isn't even a teen yet. I don't even think that her body would respond the right way to sex, I know her emotions and mind couldn't . If she is just hangin' out with more girls then guys does this make her bi-sexual??

What do her parents think about this or do they know??? Do they care?

Is our society so caught up in itself that it doesn't see these teens screaming for guidance??

6/19/2005

"My Daddy"

When I was 6 he taught me to shoot a gun
'Cause he was "My Daddy"
When I was 8 he gave me my first and only spanking
'Cause he was "My Daddy"
*****************************
When I was 10 he watched me dance ballet
'Cause he was "My Daddy"
When I was 14 he taught me how to drive
'Cause he was "My Daddy"
*****************************
When I was 16 he gave me his 1979 Mustang
'Cause he was "My Daddy"
When I was 17 and pregnant he showed love not disappointment
'Cause he was "My Daddy"
*****************************
When I got married he gave me away
'Cause he was "My Daddy"
When my first son was born, he was there
'Cause he was "My Daddy"
****************************
When both of my marriages failed, he stood by me
'Cause he was "My Daddy"
When I could finally stand on my own, he smiled and was happy for me
'Cause he was "My Daddy"
****************************
I am 35 years old now
He is still "My Daddy"
He slumps a little now and I am taller than him,
He is still "My Daddy"
*****************************
I love and respect him to this day
'Cause he is "My Daddy"
It is now my turn to take care of him
'Cause he is "My Daddy"

Trip of Enlightenment

Yesterday's trip went okay.

We left at 8:30am. Sydney decided she needed to go so we took her as well. We went to McDonalds to get breakfast then on the outskirts of town I stopped to gas up. As we pulled out of the gas station, Ashton told me that Alec had taken his seat belt off. So I stopped in the parking lot and got out opened his door, forgetting to shut mine, and started to put his seatbelt on. Sydney jumped out my open door and headed for the highway. I turned quickly to chase her and I fell semi twisting my ankle. I got up and coaxed her back into the car. She still hasn't got the "come" command down yet. I shut my door, secure Alec's seatbelt, shut his door then got in the car and we were on our way.

My route was Farmington, Shiprock, Gallup then Grants. My parents insisted on me going this was because if I broke down, there was more traffic. This route ended up being 254 miles. We stopped in Gallup and got Burger King for lunch then we headed for Grants. Keep in mind we had to stop about every 50 miles or so for Alec to go to the bathroom. When we got closer to Grants, I figured we would see signs for the prison.....WRONG!!!! No signs anywhere. So I stopped at the Western New Mexico Visitor's Center. Very nice place and very clean bathroom. But there were alot of travelers there and I was to embarassed to ask where the prison was, so we drove on. About 10 miles outside Grants I see a hotel/casino. I go into the hotel part and I tell the lady, "I have a very embarassing question to ask you" she just smiled and asked how she could help me. I asked her where the prison was and she said which one and I said the men's prison. She gave me directions. She was so nice. Anyway, I had missed the turn off by about 8 miles--not bad for my past getting lost record. We get there and I wait at the guard's station for him to come out. He makes us all get out and he searches the car, pats me down and runs the metal detector over all of us. He is upset because we brought Sydney, but I told him that we were not planning on staying long. He lets us in. We have to walk across a large parking lot with prisoners behind fences watching us. CREEPY!!!! We get to the front office and I give the guy their dad's name and he said he can't find him on his list. So I give him is SSN and he finds him and says that they moved him 2 days ago back to Los Lunas. DEEP SIGH..... Just then about 10 inmates walk in, unguarded--eeekkkk, looking for their vitiam supplements--OMG, such punishment--my first reaction was to get the heck out of there, but I rethought and decided that I was safer in the room with the guards rather then in a parking lot with prisoners running amuck--lol.

We got in our car and headed back to the gate, the guard asked me what happened. I told them they moved him, he said wow something bad must of happened because they never move them that fast--I just shook my head and waved good-bye and we drove out. I noticed on the road there was a sign that said "DO NOT PICK UP HITCHHIKERS IN THIS AREA". I giggled a bit and kept driving.

I am not a rich or snobby person, but I have never felt like "white trash" before until our prison visit. I was embarassed and humiliated. My sons however were not phased, they were their to see their dad and that is all that mattered to them. To have the innocience of youth.

As we were driving home, via the Bisti Highway this time, the short way only 120 miles I told Ashton I was sorry, I really did try. He said "Mom, it's okay you don't have to try so hard for me" I said "Yes I do Ashton, you are my son". He just smiled at me and once again my heart melted, but in a good way.

So even though our mission failed, my purposed succeeded. I showed my son that my love for him was greater than anything else. I showed him that I would do anything for him reguardless of how I felt about it personally. Most importantly, I showed myself that my love for my children is greater than any other emotion of fear on this earth.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY EVERYONE -- EVEN THE MOMS OUT THERE.

6/17/2005

For The Love Of My Child On Father's Day

My two little boys brought home Father's Day presents from their daycare today. As I met Ashton at the door to the playground, he just handed me something and walked off. It was a beautiful father's day card he had made. When I looked up at him he was crying and had such pain in his eyes. He said the other kids made fun of him because his dad was in prison. They said he shouldn't make one because his dad will never get it and it's just wasting art supplies that they could use.

My heart sank beneath my feet. If you could see those big beautiful brown eyes welling up with tears, I am sure yours would do the same. This is the first time in 3 years I wish I had met someone and gotten re-married. Married to a man that would be a father figure in my little boys' lives. Someone to show them how to love and when men love it doesn't hurt those around them. Someone to be a good example and to help them thru their difficult "boy" times. I do everything I can to make them strong and independant people, but I know I can never take place of the "dad" in their life. My 16 year old son and my father help, but it is not the same and today, I saw the need for a dad in his eyes. Alec is still too young to be emotional affected by the lack of a father figure, but Ashton is hurting and it is killing me.

We talked and cried for about 2 hours. I showed him his dad's mug shot on the internet and I showed him the prison where his dad was at. I also showed him his dad's new wife's mug shot and explained to him that she was in a different jail. He understood and asked some very impressive questions about the prison.

Then he asked if we could go see his dad and take him his Father's Day card. I almost choked. I have never been to any type of correctional facility not even as a visitor. I am terrified. I don't know what to expect or what the procedures are or anything. I am going to drive 120 miles to a place I have never been, to see a man that hurt me mentally, emotionally and physically.

All of this I am going to do because I love my sons so much and I cannot bear to see them hurting. I would gladly take on all of their emotional burden if I could. I would get another job if it would help. But all that will help Ashton right now is to see his father. I have give him the opportunities to make his own decisions about his father. I had decided earlier that I was not going to take them to see their dad in prison because I thought it was a unsafe environment and I didn't want them to think that prison was "okay". But, tomorrow morning I am packing up two boys and headed to Western New Mexico Correctional Facility in Grants, New Mexico.

The power of a child's tear-drop in the eyes of a loving mother.

RAISING AN ALEC

The last 6 months my wonderfully creative Alec has been insisting on picking out his own clothes and getting dressed by himself. Yeah for Him you say. Well yes, but........he will not wear matching clothes. I think his daycare waits to see him come in to see what he came up with that morning.

This morning was a green long sleeve alligator pj top and bright blue sweats. It's summer time and gets almost to 100 every afternoon and he wants to wear sweats. He hates being cold and they do run the air conditioners at the daycare so I can see his justification there, but he never matches. Wednesday he wore a long sleeve white button up church shirt, swimming suit trunks that were blue with scooby-doo on them, over his knees socks and cowboy boots.....such a sight.

So tonight I am taking him shopping. I am going to help him pick out some new clothes with the hope that he will dress better. And some new sandals, he keeps wearing Ashton's which are about 3 sizes too big.

Wish me luck, and if you see a almost 4 year old running thru wal-mart and hiding in the clothes racks, it's probably Alec. Please tell him to go find his mom!!!!

6/16/2005

Yeah for the Police!!!!

Recently, I discovered that there were some wandering people sleeping on the other side of my fence at night. I called the police and asked for a frequent patrol around dusk. I haven't seen any police cars patroling until tonight and boy was I shocked.

I was in my front yard talking to my parents when a man walks up to the apartment building next door and starts knocking. No one answers. He waits a few minutes and then yells across my yard if Lucy Tsosie still lives there. I told him I didn't know their names but someone does live there.

As he starts to walk closer to my yard a police car pulls up on the other side of the street and stops. This guy goes back to a trash can and throws a 40 oz beer bottle in it. The officer shouts out Hi Jose! and the guys says back Hey Boe!!! I'm thinking great they are friends!!!

But the officer takes him by the arm and over to his car. Makes him take off his 4 back packs and puts hand cuffs on him and puts him in the car. He goes back over to the trash can and looks in it to see what he put in it. He takes out the beer bottle unscrews the bottle and dumps it out and then puts the lid back on and tosses it back into the trash can.

He went thru the guy's bag and found 4 other bottles of something in brown paper bags and about 5 knives or something that looked like knives from where I was standing.

Talk about being in the right place at the right time. Way to Go Farmington PD!!!!

And Thank You Very Much!!!!

Snake PooP!!!

I realized that I hadn't cleaned our snakes cage since we got him. So I started surfing on the internet trying to find a standard on the length of time between cage cleanings. I found nothing. But I did learn some things, like your snake should like to soak in water. Ours hates his water dish. And that corn snakes don't need a light as well as a heat pad. We have been using both. Our snake must of been cooking. Poor guy.

So last night, I took one of our little plastic creature cages and poured some bottled water in it(about 1.5 inches deep) and put him in it with the lid on the cage. He freaked. Hated it, almost escaped twice before I got the lid on. He hated to be in the water. Then after about 3 minutes he started swimming a bit then all of a sudden this huge turd looking thing came out of him. It was about 2 inches long. Then another one about the same. He freaked on this and got out of the water and clung to the top of the cage.

So I quickly finished cleaning out his cage and put in clean dirt stuff and refilled his water. I put him back in and he hid in is log all night. Finally this morning he was out and by his tree.

Very weird that his own body function freaked him out.

The life of a mother is a constant education.

6/12/2005

Weekly Recap

My week went pretty well, no calls to 911 or anything!!!! Yeah-Rah!!!

One of my friends dad has been in the hospital. They almost killed him here so luckily they transferred him to Albuquerque where I am sure he will receive much better care and hopefully make a full and speedy recovery.

Went to my company's picnic on Friday and took the two little boys and Sydney. I wish they behaved as well as she did. Most of the workers at "Company" are Native American so my screaming blonde white children really stuck out. But the picnic went well, we left early because gnats kept flying up my nose....eeeewwwww.

A guy I used to date came over to weld back on two of our trampoline's legs and brought his kids. I had major flash backs and not dating him was a very good move.

We had some office PMS-ing. One of the girls in HR/reception always takes 2 and 3 hour lunches. Well Tuesday she decided not to come back at all. Wednesday her boss was in court but Thursday he confronted her on it. She yelled at him he sent her home. Friday you could of ice skated in our office. Man was it frigid in there. She wouldn't even look at me and I had nothing to do with it. She was a total hag. Then at the picnic she acted like we were best friends. I hate working with moody women.

Well blogland, that is my week, sad but true.

See ya next time, same bat time -- same bat channel

6/08/2005

Issue #3 - Relationships in 2005

AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Do people have no common sense???? I have people IM-ing me wanting to have sex that day. They don't know me, I don't know them -- so sure, come over and do me. HELLO!! Have they not heard of AIDS, STD's, axe murders????? Think People Think!!!! This is not "Sex in the City" you can't just hook up and do it. At least intelligent people don't anyway.

I've have made a few friends on-line and we talk often and there is some harmless flirting. But not Hi, I'm horny will you do me?? or Hi!! you don't know me would you like to watch me play with myself on my CAM? EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Dating in my small oilfield town is very limited. I don't drink, smoke or do drugs so that elimanates 3/4 of the single male population. The fact that I have 3 boys elimanites even more. I have a few standards like: must have teeth, needs a job, needs a car and needs to bathe regulary. I don't think I am too picky.

I won't have sex on the first date, not bi, and not into 3 somes, so I guess I will remain single -- and with good reason.

However, the few (extremely few) dates I have been on since my divorce have been a learning experience. When a guy pays for everything, I get guilt -- I feel that I now owe him something. So, I have tried to pay for some of it and I do explain myself to them and they seem to understand. The next is my children. I have a strict schedule I must keep with my two smallest boys and talking on the phone for 3 hours after work really doesn't work with my schedule. I can't leave in the middle of the night to go to their house. They don't want to come to my house because we can't be alone.

I don't know how single custodial parents date.

6/05/2005

Issue #2 -- GUILT

Okay--I am the only female human in my house. I go to extremes to assert what testosterone I might have so my boys will grow up like "men".

But, I know they are missing the male bonding with a "father-figure" in their lives. One of my friend's boyfriend came over to help me enlarge my doggie door and Alec was all over him. He had to help him with the tools and keep looking over his shoulder. When he took a break, Alec was on his lap and when he left he hugged him good-bye and said "I love You". This all to a 36 year old man he has never seen before. It really made me think, kids really do need both parents or at least a representative from each side.

Grandpa helps out some, but it's not the same because he is much older and a lot grouchier. AJ, 16, helps some but it is still not the same because he is the big brother.

I know that if I start dating someone and they come over to the house, there will be attachment between that man and my boys, but what if we break up??? Another failure in their eyes, another father figure gone. Mom screwed up again or she chased another one off.

I don't know how single parents date. I guess they keep the other person away from their kids, but that is hard because you want to make sure your kids like them before it gets too serious.

What to do....What to do...

6/03/2005

Strength and Courage

Strength and Courage

It takes strength to be certain,

It takes courage to have doubts.

It takes strength to fit in,

It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to share a friend's pain,

It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pain,

It takes courage to show it and deal with it.

It takes strength to stand guard,

It takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer,

It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to endure abuse,

It takes courage to stop it.

It takes strength to stand alone,

It takes courage to lean on a friend.

It takes strength to love,

It takes courage to beloved.

It takes strength to survive,

It takes courage to live.

I do not know who wrote this but it hit home!!!

6/02/2005

I Have Issues, Please Pass The Tissues

I have been wondering if I need to go to counselling. To deal with my issues with my ex husband and all the stuff that entales and now being a single mother. I am not whining about being a single parent, but I freak out on stuff and it worries me. I am venting about issue #1 in this blog.

Issue #1
I was deeply in love with my ex husband but I know I cannot and will not ever be with him again. For over a year I functioned on hate or anger, now I am having to deal with the lost love feelings. I used to only get flash backs of the bad things, now I am getting flash backs of the good times and it is messing with my head. I don't love him like I used to, but I will always have feelings for him because he is the father of my children and because I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone before. As I look back now, I see that it was my love for him that kept me for truly seeing who he really was and his drug problem. I found way to justify his actions in my head so I wouldn't have to face the truth.

I have delt with the anger issues and worked my way thru them and I am doing well, but how do you work thru the love flashbacks???? How do you see them and not get a urge to call them up and tell them you were wrong and then 5 minutes later that emotion is gone and you know you were right???? How do you not confide in someone you confided in for 10 years??

I can't call him due to the fact that he is in prison, but I can write which I believe is worse. When I write I express all of my feelings and there is no one responding to stop my babbling. So, I could say all kinds of stupid mushy crap and if the mood permits mail it. Then the next day it would be a slam letter to him. Thank goodness I have stayed away from the mailbox and I refuse to buy a book of stamps. I buy them one at a time at work. (I am so goofy)

I look at my two boys and I see alot of their father in them, and it makes me smile. When my youngest was born he asked me whose baby it was. I will always be angry for that one, but when you look at Alec, you see his dad in many ways. I get mad when I think about his dad trying to deny him and then I get sad that his dad is missing out on his life and he is missing his dad. Yes, my head is spinning and I can't stop it.

I understand that the emotional healing process takes time, but does it need anything else??? I don't drink or smoke to relieve stress -- so I just deal with the issues. Is there something else I should be doing??? I am a emotional eater and to be honest I have gained over 65 lbs since all the trouble started over 2 years ago. So I guess my stress relief is Carbs and Pepsi, but this adds a different kind of stress in the over-weight catagory.

deep sigh

What to do, What to do........

I Need More.......Something

I have discovered that there are not enough hours in the day or energy in my body to keep my house and life organized as I would like them.

This morning at 7am I was in the back yard looking for one of my 7 year old's shoes when I discovered a pile of 3 year old clothes. I guess he decided to go skinny dipping in our wading pool while I was cooking dinner the night before. So I pick up the clothes and I look under our deck and I find 3 of my shoes. We have a 3 month old Akita puppy, Sydney, and her fun is taking just one of my shoes out the doggie door and hiding it in the yard. Thank goodness she doesn't chew them up, but I am always leary of what might of crawled in them when they were outside. As I crawl under the deck and get my shoes and crawl back out and get the other pile of clothes, I notice that the wading pool is filled with leaves and dirt (too gross). I go inside and put the clothes in the dirty laundry sorter and my shoes in my closet but I still haven't found Ashton's shoe. I do however, start making a "to do" list for this weekend.
Clean up Doggie Poo
Clean up trash in Back Yard
Pull Back yard weeds
Dump and clean wading pool
Clean up Ashton's fort mess in the back yard
Get sleeping and bean bags off the trampoline

This was just from 10 minutes in the back yard!!!! Still haven't found Ashton's shoe. I go into the "little boys'" room. OMG!!!!! It looks worse that a teenage girls room on a Friday night. Clothes everywhere!!! It seems that Alec couldn't decide what to wear and refused to wear what I put out for him. I look under his bed for Ashton's shoe, I found a spoon and a sippy cup (Gross) but no shoe. I looked under Ashton's bed, found the wrapper for the Toll-house cookie dough. I guess he had a midnight snack (that was for my mid-night snack). But still no shoe.

Finally at 7:45 am, I made him put on his Power Ranger sandals. He told me all the kids at daycare will make fun of him. I told him that he should of put his shoes up when he took them off. So we start to head for the car. I noticed that AJ didn't bring the trash cans up from the curb last night and I didn't have time to do it right then. I also scope out the yard scene, here is what I added to my list.
Bring up trash cans
Get trash from the street off the fence
Rake up Elm Seeds from around fence
Pull weeds growing in driveway
Pull weeds and rake Elm seeds from side yard path
Get beer can off of curb (not ours must be from a passing drunk)
Fix gravel that spilled over into drive way
Clean up little boys room
Find Ashton's Shoe
Sweep front porch

This is just one day!!! When I get home from work I have to force myself to make dinner. I am exhausted and I am not sure from what. I have a desk job, there is mental stress and stuff but nothing really physical. So why am I so tired???? I have asked the doctors and all they tell me is to exercise more. How can you exercise if you have NO, I mean NO, energy???? I am stubborn and head strong, but right now life is just kickin' my butt. What to do???

I am thinking that I have no energy because I am stressed and I am stressed because everything is a mess. I need a cabana boy or someone to help me or at least inspire me to get the work done and stay in good spirits.

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