Dear O'Gherkin

I noticed your last post was November 7th...
and besides I'm still moving!!!


After thought

This is the only time my daddy smiled over the holiday...

My eyes have been filled with tears for the last 3 days.
My brother has now seen how it is here, and he understands. The one cool thing between us is that we really don't have to talk about things when we are together...WE JUST KNOW..
His wife still doesn't have it all understood but I am sure he will explain it to
her when they get home.
I've come to the understanding, that it's not anger I feel towards my brother, it's jealousy and the overwhelming feeling of not fitting in. It's not his fault my parents are happier when he is around and it's not mine either--it's just the way things are and I need to suck it up and just accept it. My place is to take care of them and his place is to bring them joy.

Either way, we are family

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We are having Thanksgiving dinner at my parents with my brother (visit going way better than I expect...so far). But since I have a new house and a new stove, I cooked a turkey at OUR house as well. I was going to cook more, but the move is kicking my butt--so just turkey.

Ashton stuffing his first bird

The "Big Ham" and a turkey

Alec getting in on the action...

In the new oven.....


I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and makes lots of great memories this year...


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Early Move In!!!

They let us move in early, so WE ARE!!!
Also gives me a great excuse not to hang too long with the sibling....I'm bad I know...
Please excuse the mess, we are still moving in...But I had to share!!!

as you walk in the front door

front room from front door

messy kitchen that needs paint!!
The teen's bathroom--he chose black to decorate
The hall way...to MY 1/2 of the house...
the teen's room

little boys roommy room from the door

my closet
my room still...view of that "long hallway"

Computer desk view from bed

view of the other side of my bedroom from the door that goes to the back yard
the safe
part of the MB bathroom

The other part...HUGE shower!!!!

So there is the tour, I will give you all a better one once I've moved in....

How's your Holiday week going???



Pre Golden Child Babblings

Brother gets here today....go team (attempting to sound excited, and failing at it)

The little boys have been sick since Wednesday, and I had Friday off "with pay" and I was sick. So not fair!!!

I've been taking Advil since about 4 pm yesterday and it's made me overly philosophical. Medication makes me one of 3 things...philosophical, sleepy or horny. I'm glad it didn't do the last one because it's just not fair when you live alone and the only man that gets into your bed is a action figure super hero!!

Anyway, as I was zombing and thinking an amazing yet saddening thought crossed my mind....."am I difficult to love?" I don't need anyone to do things for me or to buy me things....I just want someone to love me completely and unconditionally. I'm thinking this is alot to ask. Most of the time we all like to feel needed. And being humans, we feel needed when we can do things for others. Like buying them stuff and doing difficult or tedious tasks. But those things aren't really "love", they are things that make us feel better about ourselves because we are helping those we care about. But, can't we just love someone? Can we be there for them emotionally to offer support through their difficult times without trying to fix it for them? We all need to be needed, but can we be happy to only be needed for our love and companionship? I just want someone to love me unconditionally. I wouldn't reject help in other forms, but I am not in need of them. I am, however in need of some to love me and to allow me to love them. Now I sound "loved starved". Call it what you will, it's just an observation from a sleepless and drug induced night.

I have been inside my own walled up little world for a very long time letting wounds heal and basically hidding. I have ventured out and experienced a few drops of what I want to call love and then deprived of it again. Not a great feeling,but I feel it is self induced. It is harder to have something and do without than it is to never have it to start with.

Now that I have scared everyone with a few inner thoughts.......



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The Teen in His Birthday Suit!!!!!

Stud snowboarder in his new "Dougie" suit. He already had the board, I bought the boots and the season pass. Grammie and PaPa bought the pants, coat and his gloves/mittens things. His lovely father said he will see how much money he has when he gets back from hunting to see if he will get AJ anything or not......Why did I marry such losers???
The season pass is for Purgatory, but next week he is planning to go to Wolf Creek which opened the 1st of November which is like unheard of!!!

This is the picture he is going to use on his "MySpace" profile...

How did your weekend go??




For me and the boys not the blog!!
Monday, my landlord called and said he was raising my rent. Not that he was raising it a huge amount but I just didn't see me paying more for the house I struggle to exist in.

(Sorry for the bad picture, it's from my phone.)

Here is the cool part....I'M BUYING IT!!!

In a creative way.......
I am doing an occupancy agreement for 340 days starting December 1.

Meaning, I will be living there and paying a monthly payment 1/2 the payment goes towards my down payment and 1/2 if for rent.

If the house ends up being a money pit or I just don't like it, I can back out and the down payment portion will be considered rent. I will lose it but I won't be stuck with a house that I don't like or want..OR if Prince Charming happens to come riding along on his white stallion, I am still free to go to his castle...or stay at MY OWN!!!

It was kinda weird signing the papers and stuff all by myself,

I had always imagined doing that with my husband.

We get to go over today and measure and stuff.

I will be getting the "Master Bedroom" this time. The first house we rented the little boys had it, the current house AJ has it....

Now, The Queen has arrived and gets the MB!!!

And it has a door TOO!!

I have the teen and two of his friends to help us move, I told them I have $400.00 for moving expenses. Then I had to tell him how much each person would get if there were only 3 of them...(he doesn't do math very quickly)

Anyone wanting a cut of the $400.00 show up Dec 1 morning and start helping us move.

I will feed you too!!



One Long Ass Post

I've have build up....and as you all know this blog is my release valve.....

so without further delay.......Here I spew or whine or whatever you want to call it

I was asked to coach Ashton's Upward Basketball team. (I had played basketball in Jr. high and I actually understand and enjoy the sport) I gladly accepted. Ashton was so happy he gave me a huge hug and said "Thanks Mom" The teen and his friends, that I feed often, have volunteered to help coach and teach all the little boys. I told my mom that I was going to coach, really got no reaction till Sunday. In the car while I was taking her grocery shopping....

"You, never played basketball"
"Yes Mom I did, in Jr. High"
"I never saw you play."
"No, you never did"
"Why didn't you tell me about your games, you didn't want me there because I would embarrass you"
"No Mom, it's tough to compete with the Olympic Training Center" (my brother was there training for silhouette shooting)

Then dead silence. I don't know why she is being so hateful. I don't even think she knows she doing it, but it still hurts. Neither one of my parents ever went to any of my functions. Not basketball, band, swimming....NOTHING. They did drag me to all of my brother's ...I guess they had burn out by the time it became my turn.

I've accepted that my brother is the "golden child" (that doesn't mean I like it) and can do no wrong in their eyes. I am still dealing with the ghosts of the different parenting techniques used in raising me and my brother and the ghosts of my brother himself. You know when the older sibling says "you were an accident" I think I really was. There was a tremendous lack of physical contact when I was younger. As in hugs, kisses, back rubs or even kissing of boo-boo's. So now as an adult, I really have to struggle to enjoy some of these simple life pleasures. I strive with my children to make all them know they are always loved and that I am here for them.

My brother and his family are coming up for Thanksgiving. I am pretty sure this will be the last holiday that we are all together and most likely the next time we are all together will be due to the passing of one of my parents. If it wasn't this situation, I would take the boys and go somewhere for the Holiday just so I don't have to deal with the crap. It's can't be like a "Norman Rockwell" holiday (thank you O'Gherkin), no it has to be more like "Home for the Holidays". It is already starting with my parents saying how "wonderful your brother is" to "....you didn't want me there because I would embarrass you" bullshit digs coming from the people that spend more time cleaning and fixing their house and messes than I do my own. People that are supposed to love me unconditionally. At times, I wish I would have taken the job offer to transfer to Wyoming. But, I know I have a responsibility as their child to help them they have always been there when I needed help. I don't know what my problem is. We, me and the boys, need to be there over the holiday so I can take lots of pictures for their scrapbook I am making for 2006 for my mom.

Speaking of scrapbooks, their 49th anniversary is tomorrow. So I stole her old album and did a "together" album for them starting with their wedding and I got thru the bridal shower and honeymoon. I gave it to them yesterday, thinking they would at least look at it or something. But she flipped thru about 2 pages and put it down. My heart sunk. I've been planning on doing this for a very long time. Buying bits and pieces everywhere and then I finally got it all put together and it seemed irrelevant.

I so hate that word, but it so seems to describe me.

I know my parents love me and I love them. I just don't see how it can be such a different situation between your own two children. I have a special connection with each of my boys, but I don't love them differently or one more than the other.

I think I'm done whining....

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Saturday Night Yummie

I decided since I hadn't fixed dinner in 3 night (due to teaching not hot dates) I would fix homemade pizza--DEFINITELY NOT DE JOURNO!!

Thick Meaty Sauce!!

Yeast Dough in a REALLY big pan


Cooking nicely in the oven

Time To Eat!!!



O'gherkin is so nice to me.....



Am I Adopted???

or....did my mom have a thing for the milk man???



This is what happens when I am NOT at home!!!

I had to teach a class last night that started at 6pm. About 645pm, I got a hysterical call from the teen....Ashton had fallen while they were kicking "the bag" and hit his head on the concrete floor of the garage!!!

Poor Baby!!!

Alec was feeling left out, so here is a picture of him too!