For The Love Of My Child On Father's Day

My two little boys brought home Father's Day presents from their daycare today. As I met Ashton at the door to the playground, he just handed me something and walked off. It was a beautiful father's day card he had made. When I looked up at him he was crying and had such pain in his eyes. He said the other kids made fun of him because his dad was in prison. They said he shouldn't make one because his dad will never get it and it's just wasting art supplies that they could use.

My heart sank beneath my feet. If you could see those big beautiful brown eyes welling up with tears, I am sure yours would do the same. This is the first time in 3 years I wish I had met someone and gotten re-married. Married to a man that would be a father figure in my little boys' lives. Someone to show them how to love and when men love it doesn't hurt those around them. Someone to be a good example and to help them thru their difficult "boy" times. I do everything I can to make them strong and independant people, but I know I can never take place of the "dad" in their life. My 16 year old son and my father help, but it is not the same and today, I saw the need for a dad in his eyes. Alec is still too young to be emotional affected by the lack of a father figure, but Ashton is hurting and it is killing me.

We talked and cried for about 2 hours. I showed him his dad's mug shot on the internet and I showed him the prison where his dad was at. I also showed him his dad's new wife's mug shot and explained to him that she was in a different jail. He understood and asked some very impressive questions about the prison.

Then he asked if we could go see his dad and take him his Father's Day card. I almost choked. I have never been to any type of correctional facility not even as a visitor. I am terrified. I don't know what to expect or what the procedures are or anything. I am going to drive 120 miles to a place I have never been, to see a man that hurt me mentally, emotionally and physically.

All of this I am going to do because I love my sons so much and I cannot bear to see them hurting. I would gladly take on all of their emotional burden if I could. I would get another job if it would help. But all that will help Ashton right now is to see his father. I have give him the opportunities to make his own decisions about his father. I had decided earlier that I was not going to take them to see their dad in prison because I thought it was a unsafe environment and I didn't want them to think that prison was "okay". But, tomorrow morning I am packing up two boys and headed to Western New Mexico Correctional Facility in Grants, New Mexico.

The power of a child's tear-drop in the eyes of a loving mother.