6/02/2005

I Have Issues, Please Pass The Tissues

I have been wondering if I need to go to counselling. To deal with my issues with my ex husband and all the stuff that entales and now being a single mother. I am not whining about being a single parent, but I freak out on stuff and it worries me. I am venting about issue #1 in this blog.

Issue #1
I was deeply in love with my ex husband but I know I cannot and will not ever be with him again. For over a year I functioned on hate or anger, now I am having to deal with the lost love feelings. I used to only get flash backs of the bad things, now I am getting flash backs of the good times and it is messing with my head. I don't love him like I used to, but I will always have feelings for him because he is the father of my children and because I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone before. As I look back now, I see that it was my love for him that kept me for truly seeing who he really was and his drug problem. I found way to justify his actions in my head so I wouldn't have to face the truth.

I have delt with the anger issues and worked my way thru them and I am doing well, but how do you work thru the love flashbacks???? How do you see them and not get a urge to call them up and tell them you were wrong and then 5 minutes later that emotion is gone and you know you were right???? How do you not confide in someone you confided in for 10 years??

I can't call him due to the fact that he is in prison, but I can write which I believe is worse. When I write I express all of my feelings and there is no one responding to stop my babbling. So, I could say all kinds of stupid mushy crap and if the mood permits mail it. Then the next day it would be a slam letter to him. Thank goodness I have stayed away from the mailbox and I refuse to buy a book of stamps. I buy them one at a time at work. (I am so goofy)

I look at my two boys and I see alot of their father in them, and it makes me smile. When my youngest was born he asked me whose baby it was. I will always be angry for that one, but when you look at Alec, you see his dad in many ways. I get mad when I think about his dad trying to deny him and then I get sad that his dad is missing out on his life and he is missing his dad. Yes, my head is spinning and I can't stop it.

I understand that the emotional healing process takes time, but does it need anything else??? I don't drink or smoke to relieve stress -- so I just deal with the issues. Is there something else I should be doing??? I am a emotional eater and to be honest I have gained over 65 lbs since all the trouble started over 2 years ago. So I guess my stress relief is Carbs and Pepsi, but this adds a different kind of stress in the over-weight catagory.

deep sigh

What to do, What to do........

2 Comments:

Blogger drama mama said...

Ok...I'm not too proud to admit that I have gone to counseling and it helped a ton! The problem, I quit and wished I hadn't. I really need to go back. Talk to someone at your church and see if they can recommend someone for you to talk to. They might even help with the expense. Mine did. You have to deal with stuff head on before you can get over it. A counselor can just lead you in the right direction!

HUGS!

6/03/2005 10:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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3/05/2007 5:22 PM  

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