One Long Ass Post

I've have build up....and as you all know this blog is my release valve.....

so without further delay.......Here I spew or whine or whatever you want to call it

I was asked to coach Ashton's Upward Basketball team. (I had played basketball in Jr. high and I actually understand and enjoy the sport) I gladly accepted. Ashton was so happy he gave me a huge hug and said "Thanks Mom" The teen and his friends, that I feed often, have volunteered to help coach and teach all the little boys. I told my mom that I was going to coach, really got no reaction till Sunday. In the car while I was taking her grocery shopping....

"You, never played basketball"
"Yes Mom I did, in Jr. High"
"I never saw you play."
"No, you never did"
"Why didn't you tell me about your games, you didn't want me there because I would embarrass you"
"No Mom, it's tough to compete with the Olympic Training Center" (my brother was there training for silhouette shooting)

Then dead silence. I don't know why she is being so hateful. I don't even think she knows she doing it, but it still hurts. Neither one of my parents ever went to any of my functions. Not basketball, band, swimming....NOTHING. They did drag me to all of my brother's ...I guess they had burn out by the time it became my turn.

I've accepted that my brother is the "golden child" (that doesn't mean I like it) and can do no wrong in their eyes. I am still dealing with the ghosts of the different parenting techniques used in raising me and my brother and the ghosts of my brother himself. You know when the older sibling says "you were an accident" I think I really was. There was a tremendous lack of physical contact when I was younger. As in hugs, kisses, back rubs or even kissing of boo-boo's. So now as an adult, I really have to struggle to enjoy some of these simple life pleasures. I strive with my children to make all them know they are always loved and that I am here for them.

My brother and his family are coming up for Thanksgiving. I am pretty sure this will be the last holiday that we are all together and most likely the next time we are all together will be due to the passing of one of my parents. If it wasn't this situation, I would take the boys and go somewhere for the Holiday just so I don't have to deal with the crap. It's can't be like a "Norman Rockwell" holiday (thank you O'Gherkin), no it has to be more like "Home for the Holidays". It is already starting with my parents saying how "wonderful your brother is" to "....you didn't want me there because I would embarrass you" bullshit digs coming from the people that spend more time cleaning and fixing their house and messes than I do my own. People that are supposed to love me unconditionally. At times, I wish I would have taken the job offer to transfer to Wyoming. But, I know I have a responsibility as their child to help them they have always been there when I needed help. I don't know what my problem is. We, me and the boys, need to be there over the holiday so I can take lots of pictures for their scrapbook I am making for 2006 for my mom.

Speaking of scrapbooks, their 49th anniversary is tomorrow. So I stole her old album and did a "together" album for them starting with their wedding and I got thru the bridal shower and honeymoon. I gave it to them yesterday, thinking they would at least look at it or something. But she flipped thru about 2 pages and put it down. My heart sunk. I've been planning on doing this for a very long time. Buying bits and pieces everywhere and then I finally got it all put together and it seemed irrelevant.

I so hate that word, but it so seems to describe me.

I know my parents love me and I love them. I just don't see how it can be such a different situation between your own two children. I have a special connection with each of my boys, but I don't love them differently or one more than the other.

I think I'm done whining....

One Long Ass Post

http://peebugg.blogspot.com/2006/11/one-long-ass-post.html