Dark Depths Into My Past....

I got some sideline questions to my post about Lisa...so here we go...

Warning: Please keep your arms and legs inside the transport at all times

Okay, yes he cheated on me at 2 months. Yes I stayed with him and we were married 10 years, we lived together 2 years prior to getting married.
He worked in the oilfield on a drilling rig and worked a rotating shift. I accepted this schedule and learned to work around it. Because the locations varied that he worked on, sometimes there were 2 hours drives to and from work. It's just a life style you learn to live with.
It was difficult to peg down when he should be home and when he might be in trouble. So, if he was cheating, I wouldn't know.
My parents are still married and at the time my brother wasn't married. I was the first one in my immediate family to get a divorce. It was weird and none of us knew how to deal with it. But we got through it and and survived. Then I met Michael. We were both working at the same drilling company. At the time he was dating this chic that had just recently ran over him with her car and he was on crutches. We dated for a bit and then AJ and I moved in with him. It was rocky at times, but I wanted so bad for things to work. I bent my morals and values in ways that I didn't think possible to make my marriage work. Thinking that he was doing the same, and he wasn't.
I had never been around drugs and new nothing more than marijuana, drinking and I had seen movies with cocaine in them but I didn't think it was in Farmington. STUPID STUPID GIRL!!
The first freak out came right after we got married and he was walking around the neighborhood in the middle of the night with an AK looking for the bad guys. It took me about 2 hours to get him inside. I didn't know it at the time but he was tweaking on Meth. I thought he was just really tired from working so hard and had drank way too much.
You already know about the Valentine's Day incident.
Things went up and down. When they were good they were very good and when they were bad they were horrible. In the entire time we were together, we moved out 15 times and back in 14 times. Always moving out when he was coming off of a horrible tweak. Still not knowing, he had ways of making me think it was always my fault and I let him. When Ashton was 3 days old, he tried to hit me while I had Ashton in my arms. We moved out for a week and came back right before Christmas. His mother was in town and she said it was my fault because the house wasn't clean enough.
Just crap like this for 10 years. The last 6 months, I finally found out about the drug problem and recognized it for what it was. I tried to work with him to get over it. It was going well at first but then when I would ask him why he wasn't eating...he would snap and yell and go out to the shed. He spent many nights in the shed, hiding from me. He would come in several times in the middle of the night, wake me up, and accuse me of playing with myself or sick things like having the dog lick me in personal areas.
He "attempted" suicide 4 times in that 6 months. I don't think he was really trying to kill himself I think he was trying to give guilt and keep me at the house.
At one point he came to me and told me he had a great way for me to lose weight. I was excited, I hated the way I looked. So I listened to him, he went into great depth explaining how amphetamines work. He kept talking and I listened. Then I had questioned. I asked him what it was exactly, he didn't answer me. He said we could smoke it and I told him I had never smoked anything and I wasn't going to start. Then he said I could swallow it I would just have to drink alot of water. He showed me a crystal and then he said he had to wrap it in toilet paper so it wouldn't burn my throat. My eyes bugged out of my head. I asked him...this is Cocaine?? it's a crystal. No, it's like crack but not really. He lied. I told him I didn't want too and he totally freaked. I told him I would watch him and see if I liked the results if he wanted to take it. He did. He wigged. He was dancing naked in the bedroom to "Cowboy" by Kid Rock. Freaking my little world out.
He put on my bra and danced in front of me with it on saying how much he liked it. Then, he went to his side fo the bed and took out a brown sack and said he had a present for me. He pulled out this huge, I mean huge, vibrator--it was white. I freaked, I mean this thing made a horse look small. I'm freaking, crossing my legs and backing up into a conner. He walks infront of me and says (yes he really said this) "I can take it better than any chick" and starts doing himself via the exit door. eeewww. I am wiggin, but glad it is happening to him and not me. I am praying that one of the boys will wake up. But no, I have to sit there and watch his show. That was the last time I was ever in any bedroom at the same time with him. The next 3 nights I slept with the little boys and the 4th night we moved out.
I was educated on the facts of meth later on in life to help explain the effects of meth on the sexual system of humans. It makes your really horny but you can't "release". So you will go to all extremes to get that release. Hence the horse vibrator.
After we had been out of the house for almost a year, the house was going to be reposed and I was given the opportunity by the police to go inside before he did and retrieve any belongings that the boys or I needed. I went under the bed to get the photo albums and I found about 8 vibrator. Nasty dirty gross. I grabbed the clorax wipes out of my purse. EEEWWWWW I wish I would of brought gloves. I took out 3 of our photo albums and there were crusty used condoms, with various colors of stuff on them...eeewwwwww.
He had used AJ's great grandmother's antique dresser as a knife target, broke all of my collector's plates, my computer station and all the equipment was in pieces, the dinning room table was in pieces and the dining room window was broken. There were burn marks in the carpet. When they didn't pay the utilities bill for 4 months and they got disconnected, they still used the toilets. The house reaked of waste and smoke.
Needless to say, I only took out the photo albums. I left and went home and took a shower before I would even get close to the boys.
It's odd how you are never doing things good enough to make a person happy and when you leave they live in a way that is not acceptable in any society.
These trials have only made me a better parent and a better person. I guess some people have to learn the hard way.


Anonymous Malcolm said...

This was my first visit to your blog, and it was a doozy. Thank you for such an emotional, moving story.

11/12/2005 6:23 PM  
Blogger drama mama said...

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you back then when you really needed a friend. I feel HORRIBLE! I am so glad you and the boys got out safe. It could have ended a whole lot worse.

You are nice to let the boys visit him. I wouldn't!

11/13/2005 12:00 AM  
Blogger peebugg said...

Drama Mama-

Don't be sorry you weren't there, no one really knew. Heck, I didn't really know what was going on at the time. It's the looking back now that I have some knowledge under my belt that made all the pieces fit together.

Had it only been me in the marriage it most likely would of ended a whole lot worse, but being the head-strong mother I am--no body messes with my babies in any way.

I honestly believe that it was my love for them that gave me the strength to do what needed to be done.

As far as the visitation, I have to tread lightly so I don't lose the "power" I have over that. Currently, he can only visit when I deem it safe and reasonable. I do have to put forth some effort so the courts won't take that away from me when he gets out.

And I do it for the boys and not for him.

And what are you doing up so late???

Have a great rest of the weekend.

11/13/2005 7:22 AM  
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