This Post is For Me--But, comments are welcome

What the heck does that mean?? It means it will be something on my blog that I will see, and it will help me remember and deal with my feelings....

No, I am not mental....I've just been doing a lot of thinking and I need to put it somewhere that I will see it for the next few days to help keep my thoughts straight.

This is on Northern Man...aka PJ....

The cell phone number is still disconnected, but he does have another number and it still works. I called it today. I know I shouldn't of, but I did. I have actually dialed the number hundreds of time over the last few weeks. But I hang up before it goes thru. This time, I let the call go thru. I of course got his voice mail because he was working. The sound of his voice again really rocked my world, but I kept myself together. I left a message saying I hope he got the gifts and Merry Christmas. I hope it didn't make him mad, but he isn't talking to me so I don't really know.

Before he changed his phone number or whateverhe did, he drank some. Then one weekend he decided to just go away and get his thoughts together. Can't blame him, if I could--I know I would. Anyway, that was the weekend before the END. (that sounds so gory...but I couldn't think of a better word) I talked to him onMonday or Tuesday after his trip and he said that he had decided to stop drinking or at least not like he had been. I thought this was cool, I didn't know that it was a problem. But since I'm not around him all the time--I assumed he knew what he was talking about. I have talked to him in both conditions...sober and drunk. He is much more open when he drinks--but most people are.

I'm thinking, that he had feelings for me when he was drinking but not when he was sober. I don't quite understand this, mainly because I have only been drunk 2 times in my life and that was many many years ago. But, after thinking about everything for the past few weeks--that seems to be the answer. Maybe I was the rebound skank from his ex-wife.....I don't know. I do know that the holidays are very difficult when you are divorced and have to share the kids. I can't imagine being without the boys. I guess I am lucky that the guys I married and had kids with could care less about their children. That is sad to say, but it does make things easier at times. I only have to share AJ with his dad on Christmas Eve, and I get him the rest of the time. I can't imagine being without my boys on Christmas, Easter or any holiday that is so family and faith orientated. I mean AJ goes to a totally different church than we do (when we go....need to work on that) but we still believe in the same thing and we are a family.

I guess I just don't understand the total cut off of communication and everything like a switch. I can't fathom being able to do that. I have sent him e-mails trying to express myself. (I thought I did well in most of them, but I am sure it didn't help matters any.) Then I started thinking about my friend Lisa that wouldn't just leave the guy alone. Crap....Am I being like her??? I hope I was not perceived as psycho-skank. There was just no closure. There was nothing. Just an e-mail saying pretty much thanks for being there and I will be in better contact. Oh and that we needed to meet and talk about things face to face. But then nothing else. No I'm seeing someone else, leave me the hell alone, go away or I'm calling the cops....nothing. I was just hanging there.

I don't do well with the unknown, especially when it comes to relationships. I'm not like a needy person that needs attention 24/7, but I do like to know what is going on. That way my imagination doesn't take over and make mountains out of mole hills.

I am guessing..... that once he stopped drinking the walls around his heart went back up--leaving me on the outside without the password.

When I was younger--guys were toys and very disposable--
I guess the Three-Fold Law of Return is at work....
Any energy you send out, shall return to you three-fold.

I just wish I noticed the good energy as much as I do the bad.


Blogger Dubs said...

Wow. Your heart is so heavy. First, you're not phsycho. It's awful when someone suddenly cuts you out of thier life. I had felt that way with my ex husband. The first month I went NUTS but by the second, I set him free and have ever since. It didn't mean it was easy but I just had to let go. He was nuts in his own way too so we laugh now and always say that we are EVEN... LOL.. It hurts to have someone you once held dear just go? You're human. You're a woman. You're a person who should have been given the decency of an inface break up or closure. Geez.

I do have to share my kiddo and it simly sucks. I hate it. I'm married again now and my hubby usually plans something fun on the holiday I don't have my son so that helps so much. :)

I'm proud of you for sharing, I hope you're feeling a tad better. Cry. Go punch something ... LOL... go running. Get out your frustration and it may help.

Cheers my friend and have a merry Christmas my dear. Hug your littles, and one tally. LOLOL....

12/23/2005 8:57 PM  
Blogger Aiden Witmore said...

oh peebugg! i wish i had time to read this but i dont! i have to leave on this LONG ass trip to VA thru traffic and little two lane highways thru part of PA.
it's gonna suck but i got the Doors DVD for X-mas today (opened stockings) and i got a ton of music to listen to and blah blah blah you're probably sick of hearing about me.
anyway, i hope everything is well in your part of blogland.
happy Pune! and uhhh...Merry Chrismuhanakwanzaukkah....and....and Merry Chrismukkah!

12/24/2005 7:37 AM  
Blogger Dubs said...

Hey blogging friend, where have you been? I hope all is well. We look forward to hearing what has happened with your son when he saw your decorations! LOL! :) Hope all is well and happy new year!

1/02/2006 1:33 PM  

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