Mental Meltdown

Yesterday was HORRIBLE.

On our way home from work and daycare, I decided to stop the boys dad's house, EX2, and let them say Hi since they hadn't seen him for a while.

It was just him there, his wife was at her drug counseling. He had cut his hair, removed all the body piercing rings--pretty much cleaned up. He almost looked like the man I was married to. He is much better with the boys when his wife is not around. He actually plays with them, not trying to impress her. They visited and he looked at Ashton's hermit crab, but he wouldn't touch it. (hee-hee). Then he came over to talk to me. (On Saturday he had told me that he was not going to prison and they would assign him to drug court. Drug court is a program for felons that have drug problems. They are very strict and make each participant take witnessed drug test (UA) about 3 times a week. These tests aren't pre scheduled. They just let you know that morning you have 3 hours to get to the clinic. Since he wasn't going away to prison, I decided to let the boys start seeing him again as long as things went well.) Well, he told me that the judge rejected his application to Drug Court and he will be going to prison.

This really messed with my emotions for some reason. I am not sure if it was the way he looked and it brought back old memories or what. I, being the Ice Queen, didn't show any emotions around him I just said "that's too bad" and avoided all eye contact. He said he would keep me informed but if he can't get the judge to change his mind then he will have to report this Friday, April 15, for transport to NM State penitentiary. We did a bit more casual chit-chat and then I packed up the boys to go home. They hugged and kissed their dad and he thanked me for the chance to see them. We drove off into the sunset.

Now normally I am overly glad to see him get his just dessert. But, I am having mixed feelings on this one. I will truly be a single parent doing everything on my own. Not that I haven't been for the last 2 years but he will be no where for me to even consider asking for help. He has never paid child support so it's not like I will be out any money or anything. I think it's just the thought that I could ask for help if I truly needed it. I don't know. When you are married for 10 years there are things that you just understand about that person. You're parents don't understand you the same way. I guess true loneliness is setting in, I think I am realizing that I cannot rely on him for my strength. I have been relying on my anger to keep me going. I guess I am co-dependent. That is a very scary thought.

I came home with a huge headache. I did a few invoices on my computer and decided to go to bed. I then realized that the boys had junk food-ed out and I hadn't given them their baths. Ashton was already asleep and Alec, as usual, was playing with toys in the closet watching TV. He did have his PJ's on though. Then the total "Job Failure" as a mom thing set in . I started crying.

I got on-line with a friend and she helped me at least stop crying for a moment.

"Thank You" if you are reading this Drama-Mama.

Anyway, I took 3 advil, took a hot bath and went to bed. I woke up this morning feeling a lot better. I think the realization of my co-dependency or whatever it is helped a lot.

I think future blogs will not be out-lashing at my EX2 but more of my true feelings as I discover that I have them.


Blogger drama mama said...

That's what friends are for Sistah!

It's hard to have the hate when they look good. They should all remain looking like scuzz-balls! Also, they are different people off the drugs. That was probably the biggest difference. Drugs kill families.

Love ya!

4/13/2005 12:11 PM  
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