4/04/2006

(shaking head)

Last night I finally got around to checking the voice mail for when we were gone.

There was a message from Lisa wanting to borrow something. She still has my software she borrowed 18 months ago and my phone recording stuff she borrowed in November--and doesn't seem like she is going to return them even though I have asked for them. So I didn't call her back....

Next message was from meth-head....he is out of prison and in a half-way house in Albuquerque. My mood went from semi-happy to total crap in like 1.3 seconds when I heard his voice. He said he was in the program there and wanted to know if he could talk to the boys.

I'm freaking out in my room and felt a overwhelming urge to talk to someone. I don't know why, I know better--but I didn't fight the urge. So I called my mom. I had to tell her that it was a half-way house about 8 times and then she just got hateful. Told me not to let the boys go with him. (did I say anything about that???) and that she forbids me to let him spend the night (what the hell????) Here I am in tears and then she does that. I realize it's part of the dementia thing, but it still really hurt. There was no support no nothing other than hatefulness and anger. Just made me realize that I have to deal with this on my own. When I'm feeling needy (can't think of another word) for immediate support or reassurance I need keep it to myself.

She called this morning wanting to know what place meth-head was in and I told her again and she started in on me again and this time I snapped back and asked her why she would say such hateful things to me.

Her response..."I will just shut-up then."
"Good" and then she hung up on me.

I know I shouldn't be that way and I will have major guilt about what I said, but I am just not in the state of mind to deal with the moods she is going through.

Before we left on our trip she wanted to know if we were taking beach towels, I told her no and that we were going to use the hotel's towels. Then she said "just remember they charge you for what you take" I told her that we weren't taking them we were just going to use them. Then she said "Well you know "you know who" used to steal them" then I said "Well, he is not going with us--why would you say that?" and she just glared at me and pursed her lips.

I know I can still talk to my dad about things, if I can get him alone where my mom won't hear and get her feelings hurt because I'm not talking to her. But he has got enough to deal with and doesn't need any additional grief.

I love my parents dearly, so please don't take things wrong with what I am saying....

So, I will vent on those who are silly enough to read this thing.

posted by peebugg at 11:14 AM